Thursday, October 23, 2014

Confession: I'm feeling a bit heartsick, and I'm not sure what to do about it

Some of you may have noticed I've slowly been disappearing from the blog.  Some of this is a pure time factor - this week in particular I've been pulling extra shifts at both my jobs, plus I'm adding rehearsals for the Halloween gig in a couple days, so I'm just physically and mentally exhausted.

It's more than just that though.  Emotionally, October is a really difficult month for me.  A few years ago, my personal life was pretty much in shambles.  A lot of things happened, that I won't get into, but every October around this time I'm usually a mess.  The worst of it is October 23.  Today is the anniversary of the death of a close friend of mine.  I had been doing really well this year, but this weekend I lost another friend who I've known for years.  And who I still can't imagine just...not existing anymore.  The fact that he has the same name and plays the same instrument as my other friend had, just compounds everything.  I have been doing ok, mostly because I've been in constant motion since I found out, but it feels a bit like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.

But I don't want to talk about the details on all of that.  Frankly, I'm not up to it and I feel strange sharing even part of the stuff I've been dealing with on that front, except that I feel like I needed to say it for this post to make any sense at all.  I guess I wanted to talk a little about what this means for the blog and maybe ask for some brainstorming solutions/support. It's not like I don't have a bunch of ideas to write up for the blog, it's that anytime I start it, I write a little bit...and then I just can't do anymore.  I get so exhausted by the thought of finishing a post.  I have like 5 half written posts - and this post took three tries to get through as it is.  And don't even get me started with comments.  This is the one that truly baffles me - I love comments.  I might procrastinate on writing posts til the sun explodes, but I love commenting and replying to comments.  It just makes me happy, reminds me why I joined this whole book community in the first place!  But these days, even the idea of replying to comments repulses me.  (So I apologize to those of you who I've not replied to/visited your blog yet.  I'm being a loser)

On the one hand, I could just take a break from it all like I did in May.  But on the other hand, I'm afraid I won't start again if I stop now.  That I'll have lost the will to do it.  After a year or so of regular blogging, I don't want to give up now!  It was a little different in May since I just needed to devote all my time to comps and my recital, and since there was an actual set date when those things would be finished.  Waiting around til I feel like blogging again...doesn't seem like something I'd do very well.  And I think the sense of community I get from you guys is important too.  Now that I'm out of school and not part of any sort of orchestra or chamber group, I don't have any other sort of community that I'm involved in.  And right now I need all this as a distraction from everything else.  So I guess what this means is that I'll either drop of the face of the universe for a while (hopefully not forever) or all of a sudden your feeds are going to be BOMBARDED with my posts :).  So I guess...what do you guys think? Any helpful suggestions on either front?

Reading's been kind of off for me too.  Usually when I'm really stressed out or tired, all I want are my comfort books.  The ones I've reread so many times they're falling apart.  (Seriously, did you see how many books I read in May? And how many of those I'd already read?  A solid 40% - and most of those towards the end of the month when my recital and comps were due).  But that's just stress, which feels rather different.  I can't even stomach the thought of rereading one of my favourite books.  Probably because all my favourite books range from downright tragic to bittersweet, and I just can not handle that right now.  I'm quickly demolishing my libraries' collection of Regency romances.  I'm not much for super fluffy things, so I don't have a huge backlist of romances I want to read, or general fluffy things.  So if you guys have any suggestions on that front (particularly romances. I generally prefer historical fiction, but I'm willing to try anything), I'm all ears!  But I'm not kidding about not being able to handle even bittersweet things - I need straight up rot-your-teeth-out fluff.

In any case, I'm going to be fine.  I've been here before, so I know I can handle it.  I guess I just felt like opening up a bit to you guys?  I'm not sure.  And I wanted to say that I'm so thankful for you guys and how much fun I've had talking to all of you for the past year :)  Hugs!

8 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry to hear about your friend Elizabeth. I think you should certainly give yourself sometime to grieve and feel cruddy. It is certainly hard to be focused and enthusiastic - i.e. writing blog posts and reviews - when you're feeling down and upset. Since maintaining a connection with the book blog community why not just try to do one of the networking meme posts, like Top Ten Tuesday, for now until you're feeling better and more motivated. Because blogging is a hobby and shouldn't be a slog! As for fun fluff I recommend Georgette Heyer for Regency era fluff. May favorites: Devils Cub, The Convenient Marriage, Frederica, Arabella, The Talisman Ring, The Corinthian, The Nonesuch, and The Quiet Gentleman. If you'd consider some paranormal YA Fluff I am a big fan of Alyxandra Harvey - I found her Drake Chronicles to be a ton of fun. Romantic funny and very little angst. Things will get better Elizabeth! Hang in there!

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  2. I too haven't blogged in a while. I am going through stuff too... it's not easy to blog while doing that. I am not even really reading to write about a book on the blog. I still visit other blogs though and enjoy reading about what they are doing. I am sorry about both your friends. I too have been down for this month... I have been trying to pick myself back up. Life is just hard sometimes. I attended a bible study tonight and that was nice. It did help. I do plan on getting a blog post up soon myself.

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  3. I'm so sorry to read about your loss Elizabeth. Take as much time as you need. Your blog will always be here ready for you, when you're ready to pick it up again.

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  4. You're seriously awesome :)

    I think that's what I'm going to end up doing as far as posting goes, and I guess we'll see what happens from there? And this is the perfect excuse to read Georgette Heyer since I've been saying I was going to for AGES. And I'll have to add the Drake Chronicles, because I am in the market for new things!

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  5. I'm sorry things have been rough for you too - I hope things start looking up soon. I've been missing you around the blogosphere! So thanks for stopping by :) I'm glad you've found some support with bible study - I know how helpful it can be, and hopefully it'll help with everything going on in your life!

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  6. Thank you for the support :) Everyone who's reached out to me has already helped me so much!

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  7. kirstymariejonesstudioreadsOctober 29, 2014 at 1:29 PM

    I don't even know what to say to that, except that <3 here if you want to talk. :) Totally get it though, my brothers is in May, so May's a pretty crappy month for me, but having another one on top of that, sorry about your friends . :( It's going to be tough to blog, but you shouldn't feel forced to if you don't feel like. As for books, agree with Stephanie on Alyxandra Harvey, I've only read the first two or three of the Drake Chronicles but they're pretty funny, though I do prefer her Lovegrove Legacy series, which is hilarious. Ask Again Later by Liz Czukas is fun as well, I was smiling my way through it. I wouldn't say they were romance-y, but there is romance. Hope you're feeling a little bit better. x

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  8. I've been doing pretty ok actually. I'm a little surprised at how well I'm handling it? (But considering last time I turned into a super crazy person, I suppose handling it all is a significant improvement which may be skewing my perception haha). I am so, so sorry to hear about your brother - regardless of how short/long ago it was. Family members are a whole other level, especially when they're immediate.

    Hopefully I will begin to show any interest in reading soon. I can't seem to bring up any level of interest in books. Except audiobooks - I'm listening to The Coldest Girl in Coldtown on my drive to work and it is kind of at my limit of ghoulishness. And since I have just remembered it still counts as reading a book, I guess that's good? (But I'll definitely keep those in mind on the off chance one day in the not distant future I'll start reading again)

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