It's more than just that though. Emotionally, October is a really difficult month for me. A few years ago, my personal life was pretty much in shambles. A lot of things happened, that I won't get into, but every October around this time I'm usually a mess. The worst of it is October 23. Today is the anniversary of the death of a close friend of mine. I had been doing really well this year, but this weekend I lost another friend who I've known for years. And who I still can't imagine just...not existing anymore. The fact that he has the same name and plays the same instrument as my other friend had, just compounds everything. I have been doing ok, mostly because I've been in constant motion since I found out, but it feels a bit like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.
But I don't want to talk about the details on all of that. Frankly, I'm not up to it and I feel strange sharing even part of the stuff I've been dealing with on that front, except that I feel like I needed to say it for this post to make any sense at all. I guess I wanted to talk a little about what this means for the blog and maybe ask for some brainstorming solutions/support. It's not like I don't have a bunch of ideas to write up for the blog, it's that anytime I start it, I write a little bit...and then I just can't do anymore. I get so exhausted by the thought of finishing a post. I have like 5 half written posts - and this post took three tries to get through as it is. And don't even get me started with comments. This is the one that truly baffles me - I love comments. I might procrastinate on writing posts til the sun explodes, but I love commenting and replying to comments. It just makes me happy, reminds me why I joined this whole book community in the first place! But these days, even the idea of replying to comments repulses me. (So I apologize to those of you who I've not replied to/visited your blog yet. I'm being a loser)
On the one hand, I could just take a break from it all like I did in May. But on the other hand, I'm afraid I won't start again if I stop now. That I'll have lost the will to do it. After a year or so of regular blogging, I don't want to give up now! It was a little different in May since I just needed to devote all my time to comps and my recital, and since there was an actual set date when those things would be finished. Waiting around til I feel like blogging again...doesn't seem like something I'd do very well. And I think the sense of community I get from you guys is important too. Now that I'm out of school and not part of any sort of orchestra or chamber group, I don't have any other sort of community that I'm involved in. And right now I need all this as a distraction from everything else. So I guess what this means is that I'll either drop of the face of the universe for a while (hopefully not forever) or all of a sudden your feeds are going to be BOMBARDED with my posts :). So I guess...what do you guys think? Any helpful suggestions on either front?
Reading's been kind of off for me too. Usually when I'm really stressed out or tired, all I want are my comfort books. The ones I've reread so many times they're falling apart. (Seriously, did you see how many books I read in May? And how many of those I'd already read? A solid 40% - and most of those towards the end of the month when my recital and comps were due). But that's just stress, which feels rather different. I can't even stomach the thought of rereading one of my favourite books. Probably because all my favourite books range from downright tragic to bittersweet, and I just can not handle that right now. I'm quickly demolishing my libraries' collection of Regency romances. I'm not much for super fluffy things, so I don't have a huge backlist of romances I want to read, or general fluffy things. So if you guys have any suggestions on that front (particularly romances. I generally prefer historical fiction, but I'm willing to try anything), I'm all ears! But I'm not kidding about not being able to handle even bittersweet things - I need straight up rot-your-teeth-out fluff.
In any case, I'm going to be fine. I've been here before, so I know I can handle it. I guess I just felt like opening up a bit to you guys? I'm not sure. And I wanted to say that I'm so thankful for you guys and how much fun I've had talking to all of you for the past year :) Hugs!